I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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