Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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