the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
