Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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