Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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