He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
