I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
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You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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