I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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