You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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