Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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