I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
