at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
