if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
not ubering you a puppy
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