i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
