fuck your aforementioned shoe
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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