the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
