3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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