Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol