Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
