Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
