He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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