Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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