Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
