In the future we'll all be gay
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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