you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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