i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
