Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
