When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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