my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
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im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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