I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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