I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She even gives head with a lisp.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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