Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
