Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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