He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
This is my gift to your gina
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
