Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
