Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
