he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
