if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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