How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
