I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
