you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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