that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
