If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
