Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
