You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
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