Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
