you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
