fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
