I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
