I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
