My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
