I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
