I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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