I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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