I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
