ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
