I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
