Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
