WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize
