so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
