I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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