Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
