he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
Pick me up at 9.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.