I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it